Memory Monday – Our Very Early Days

Remembering back to when Josh and I first met and started going out really makes me feel all those same emotions I did at the time: excited, nervous, hopeful, and scared…to name just a few. All of those and more contributed to my feeling huge butterflies in my stomach and my heart pumping harder each time I thought about him, and I still feel that same way when I go back in time and read what I’d written in those days! I have a really cool Harry Potter journal that my Mom had given me at the time, and I loved to write in it and draw in it. It’s pretty much filled up! The cover is one of those really neat two-way images:

I know that when I first saw Josh it was instant physical attraction, and then when I first talked to him I could add intellectual attraction to it! He was so nice, so intelligent, and so willing to talk to me…wow, I was amazed! Of course, when he first came up on stage after I played that night (after his band had already finished) and handed me a flyer with his name and number on it, I was so excited.

But I was also very worried, because he handed it to me saying “in case you ever have questions about any upcoming gigs, or if we want to organize playing another show together…”; I really thought that was his very polite way of telling me that either 1: he wasn’t available (he already HAD someone…how could someone that perfect NOT?! or 2: he was gay (suggested by my friends) or 3: he just wasn’t interested.

I really, really wanted to call him to talk and to get to know him better, but I figured I had better wait until I had a good excuse, so I did wait until I could call about an upcoming show. I wonder if he, then, in turn, was disappointed, thinking that I was only calling about a show? It’s funny now, looking back, but at the time it’s just pure angst!

Here’s a collage of some of the sketches I’d done around that time:

At the time I first met Josh, I was going through an emotionally difficult time. I had been romantically involved with the lead singer/songwriter/frontman of the band I was in, and he and I were also very good friends. He was still in love with his ex-wife who had divorced him, and he felt that he wasn’t “there” for me in the way that he said I deserved. I was afraid of change and didn’t want things to be different than how they had been, but I also wasn’t very happy.

Josh told me later that he’d been through some very rough times emotionally in the past and was so relieved that he knew right away I was different than some (awful) girls in his past. Occasionally during our first days together he’d get really sad, and not be able to listen to certain music, saying it reminded him of some not too happy times. I’m so glad that now neither of us even feel like we had any past before we met each other!

These are some of the drawings I did shortly before I met Josh: (and no, it’s not all “death” or any suicidal thoughts…I’ve NEVER been that way! It’s just that I found cemeteries to be very good places for reflection and peace.) But looking back, I guess it does, in a way, reflect my ‘darker’ mindset at the time.

Then, seeing Josh and meeting him and getting to know him…and actually getting to go out with him…it was like night and day! After all the many guys I’d gone out with over the years and never once entertained the thought of being married to them…this was so different! I knew, without a doubt, that I’d be willing to marry him! Right away, I felt that. I know he felt the same way too, not only because he’s told me since then, but I remember at the time even, on one of our first dates, he told me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me (a boy and a girl, he said!). I remember my heart was warmed at the time, and I was excited to hear it. If any other guy had tried to tell me that, I would have run far away…fast! Here are some snippets of what I’d written about Josh at the time:

I remember walking upstairs one Saturday morning shortly after first going out with Josh, and telling my parents “I think I found the one!” And that was a big deal for me. I’d never even thought that to myself before, let alone announce it to my parents! I remember thinking about him constantly, and wondering what I could do to impress him or make him happy. I remember looking through recipes and wanting to cook for him. That was certainly a first! Here are some of the drawings I’d done after first meeting Josh (and hoping we had a future together!):

I still occasionally like to get out my journal and take a walk down memory lane. It’s a wild ride, emotionally, to read all that and see all the drawings. You can feel the love and excitement, but you can also feel the nervous hope and wondering! I’m always so glad to pop back into the present time and see my gorgeous husband Josh is a reality…we really did it! We went through that wild and crazy ride and came out on the other side as husband and wife…partners for life! I’m so happy and blessed!