Our Birth Story – Part 4

I remember my body starting to shake with chills and my teeth starting to chatter. I remember Tatum saying this was normal and one of the sign-posts of impending delivery. I remember thinking to myself that it wasn’t real with me for some reason. I think at that point my brain wasn’t really working properly, LOL! Because I remember thinking to myself “But I read about this sign-post, so my body is making it up. It’s faking it…it’s not really happening.” Which is absurd when I think about it now. Like I could have told my body to do that on command, and why would I want to anyway?! But I think I was getting into the ‘self-doubt’ phase too, where you think you can’t do this…you want to give up. There is a lot I don’t remember about this time, and I’m sure Josh could fill me in. I do remember after the shaking and chills I wanted to get up to use the bathroom, so I got off the fetal monitor and dragged my IV pole with me. Not easy to use the toilet with all that! Then I got back in bed just as another contraction hit me. I remember how strong the contractions got. How painful. Painful in a very crampy way. It kind of takes over your whole body. And mind, really…that’s all you can think about. They were frequently checking my progress in dilation and when I got to about 7 cm, my body had almost uncontrollable urges to push! It was very scary, because they told me NOT to push. My body wasn’t ready…I wasn’t dilated enough. It was the most awful feeling.

That was the worst part of the whole labor, I think. That phase where I wanted and needed to push so badly, yet I had to fight it. It was so very very hard. I remember Josh telling me to not push, and to take deep breaths. He would tell me to suck in a deep deep breath, and then let it out in three sharp bursts – hee hee hoooo. That helped, but man, it was a struggle. Sometimes I couldn’t fight it hard enough and my body would accidentally push. It was an awful feeling. Tatum and Josh would exclaim “Don’t push!! Don’t push! Just breathe.” Man, that was horrible. That seemed to last forever, that endless struggle to fight with m body’s primal urges. It was so very painful and surreal. My surroundings were just a dim blur to me. I do remember finally hearing “Ok, you’re ready to push!” I never heard more beautiful words!! I was so happy to hear that, and relieved…yet terrified too. Yikes! (By the way, Josh is extra amazing…throughout my labor he’d been keeping my Mom and his Mom updated by texts. One thing I will always always regret though, is that we didn’t tell my Mom to come in the room. I really wanted her there. She was sitting all by herself out in the waiting room. WHY didn’t we think to have her come in??!!  I am very sad about that. 🙁 She did get into the room as soon as Lillian came out of me, but it’s not the same. Mom was out there in the waiting room, just waiting for the word to come in. I don’t blame Josh though…he had so much on his plate, and things happened so fast, that he just didn’t think to tell her to come in at that point. 🙁 I do hate to think of her out there waiting when she could have and should have been in the room, but I’m going to try and let it go.)

I remember a hustle and bustle of more people entering the room. (Oh yeah, I think it was around the 7 cm stage, I think I remember a feeling of a hot gush of fluid bursting out of me. That was the amniotic sac bursting and the rest of my amniotic fluid coming out.) Apparently there was meconium in the fluid, meaning that Lillian had had a bowel movement and may have been in distress, so they had an extra team come in to be ready as soon as she was out of me in case she needed help. (I didn’t know any of this at the time…I read it in Josh’s texts later. Those are so handy…they are a perfect diary because the times of everything happening are all right there to look back on! Thank you Josh!) I wanted to try different positions for pushing. I had them raise the head of the bed to about a 45 degree angle. I wanted to be sitting up, definitely not laying flat on my back, no way! So I pulled my thighs up to my chest and held them there while I pushed a couple of times. That worked, but wasn’t really cutting it. I said I wanted to try squatting. So they brought out a metal bar and placed it into slots made for it near the end of the bed. I hefted my weight up and hung my armpits over the top of the bar and squatted. I was just too heavy and uncomfortable to keep that up. So I sat back in the bed again. Meanwhile, each time I had the urge to push, I would have to work so hard to keep the pushing pressure up for as long as I possibly could. I remember Josh and Tatum counting. I remember Tatum telling me I needed to keep the pushing going longer. Each contraction I got about three pushes in. Two longer ones around 6 to 8 seconds each, and a third that I could only push for around 3 to 5 seconds. Then I would have a little break, and the urge would be back. Tatum had a brilliant suggestion of me pulling on a sheet rope slung over the bar at the foot of the bed. She wrapped it around the bar and had me hold onto the ends. I used it as counter-pressure to my pushing, and that really, really did the trick! I was pulling and pushing at the same time, and it made such a difference. I remember Josh getting excited and telling me “She’s coming, Honey!” I was so encouraged and happy to hear that! The end was near! I would meet my daughter! Josh told me he could see her hair! (He was brave and decided he wanted to watch her coming out. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to, but I’m so glad he did!!)

I pushed for a total of 16 minutes before Lillian Eve entered the world! I will never forget the feeling. I remember the pain and the tearing sensation. (Yes, ouch, I tore.) I remember the relief as her head emerged and her slippery, heavy body followed. I will never forget hearing her immediate and strong cry!! I loved it!! She was placed immediately on my chest! I will never, ever forget the feeling of relief and love and joy I felt as she was placed in my arms for the first time!

Here was the little being that had lived inside my body for nine long months!! I recognized every curve and plane of her body. Suddenly I was able to say ‘so this little back is what made that curve in my stomach, and this is the little butt that was pressed here’, etc. Before, Josh and I would puzzle over it, like, is this her head or her butt? Her back or her leg? But all the sudden it was like we’d known her all along. I loved it! Josh and I were crying tears of joy and happiness! She was beautiful! I was still in pain at this point, and still feeling my pregnancy nausea, but as soon as I gave birth to the placenta the nausea went away! Hallelujah!

 

To Be Continued…